Dr. Frankie Bashan started out as relationship therapist working with the LGBT community. She continues her therapy practice, but has ventured off to become an expert in lesbian matchmaking. Her company Little Gay Book matches lesbians in San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York and Hawaii. What does it mean to be a matchmaker? How does one become a matchmaker? Dr. Frankie tells all.
What is your background and how did you get into matchmaking?
I was born and raised in Manhattan and grew up in a large Jewish family. My earliest and fondest memories are of playing with my cousins, spending time with my grandparents and going on family camping trips. I have a strong sense of family values and I understand how important they are to building strong communities. The family unit begins with happy, healthy, long term relationships that might one day even bring children into this world! Before launching Little Gay Book I watched my friends and acquaintances struggle to meet quality women. Our community is small as it is, and it seemed the bar, club, and on-line dating options just weren’t quite cutting it. I thought with my clinical psychology background and natural intuition I could provide a more personalized alternative.
Do you think the gay and lesbian and bisexual community is in more need of matchmaking services than heterosexuals?
I think enlisting the help of a reputable, professional matchmaker is a great way for singles of any community to meet. The LGBT community does face some unique challenges that Little Gay Book aims to address. For example it can be harder for us to meet one another if we are looking outside of a gay bars and clubs. It isn’t always obvious if the cute girl with the aviators sitting on the park bench is gay. It’s not like we have a green dot on our heads to distinguish us as not only single but gay. Another challenge is that our social circles and dating pools tend to be smaller with a great deal of overlap. By this of course I am referring to the infamous six degrees of separation. It can be quite difficult for a single person to break outside of his or her own circle and meet someone that hasn’t already dated one of their friends or even one of their exes. The LGBT community also can get a little hung up on labels and “types” (top, bottom, switch, high femme, soft-femme, soft-butch, stone butch). If we categorically eliminate potential dates based on their “type” we are guaranteeing a drastically limited dating pool within an already smaller community. A good LGBT matchmaker will act as a “headhunter” and seek out the harder to find women that their clients might not have otherwise met. They will also help broaden their client’s scope to become more inclusive rather than exclusive when meeting women. A good LGBT matchmaker will facilitate quality introductions between women who might have overlooked each other simply because they were outside their usual comfort zone.
Why would someone use a matchmaker versus other dating services?
A good matchmaker takes time to get to know their clients, what they are looking for, and what their deal breakers are. I often explain to new clients that it is my job to screen out the folks who are not a good fit, or even misrepresenting themselves. I go on the bad dates for my clients when I am meeting with a potential match for a consultation. I am not only a personal recruiter for my clients, but also the first line of defense. If a 55 year old lists herself as a 40 year old, or posts a photo of herself 75 pounds ago, or stands me up for the consultation, I screen these folks out. My clients are busy, professional women who don’t have time for these dating disappointments. A good matchmaker has strong ties to the community that they cater to, as well as alliances with other matchmakers with other connections. Internet dating is hit or miss and often a real time drain. A good matchmaker saves his or her clients time, energy, and disappointment.
Tell us a bit about the process. How do you find potential mates for your clients?
A majority of potential clients find me through my website or by referral. Before I accept anyone as a new client my staff or I conduct a 90-minute consultation. The consultation is very detailed and we learn about the potential client’s family and dating history, professional life, and relationship goals. We discuss deal breakers and must-haves and we get a good sense of the potential client’s personality. After the consultation if the client as well as the Little Gay Book consultant both wish to move forward, we enter into a 3 or 6 month contract. We personally interview and screen every potential client introduction. We find these potential introductions by scouring the Little Gay Book database, referrals, utilizing our network of other professional matchmakers, and good old-fashioned pavement pounding. If we can’t find a match from within the LGB database we put on our walking shoes and go out and meet women the old fashioned way. We will not introduce someone to a client without conducting a 90 minute consultation. It’s a critical aspect of quality control.
What are things women can do to get themselves ready for dating?
I believe in the saying perfect practice makes perfect. I encourage clients to not only date the women I introduce them to, but also try and meet women on their own. Dating is a perishable skill. The more dates someone goes on the more comfortable they will become, which means their confidence will grow. Confidence is sexy. Self-care is also very important. I think it’s key to strive to be the person you would want to date. Exercise regularly, stimulate your mind, take on a new hobby, volunteer your time, find something you are passionate about. My clients all tell me they want to meet a passionate person who leads an interesting life. Be self-reflective. It’s human nature to look externally when relationships fail and things get tough. But without taking a hard look at yourself all you will do is repeat failed patterns. What worked in your previous relationships and what could you improve upon? What would you change the next time around? And I do believe in the laws of positive attraction. If you present yourself in a positive way and embrace meeting new people, you open all kinds of doors.
Tell us the kinds of things you might work with someone on in a dating coaching session.
It really depends on what the client brings to the table. I often work with people on changing behavioral patterns that undermine them from having successful relationships. This can be any number of things, codependency issues, substance abuse-particularly alcohol, or workaholic tendencies. I often help people identify certain cognition’s that prevent them from being successful, and identify areas where there is room for improvement. Examples of these are nutrition, diet, exercise, chemical dependency, co-dependency and interpersonal relationships. Improving self-awareness is key, otherwise we will simply repeat unsuccessful patterns. On occasion I also do some image consulting with my clients; it’s important to look your best. I can identify when a clients’ hairstyle, or wardrobe is holding them back from looking their best. When necessary I have made referrals to several trusted stylists. I want to give my clients every chance to make a great impression.
You write a column is Curve magazine. Tell us about that.
I write a recurring blog on curvemag.com called Dr. Frankie’s Love Seat. It’s an advice column where readers can submit their relationship and dating questions. I feel so fortunate for the opportunity to provide help and information to such a large audience. Many readers who submit questions are from places I wouldn’t normally be able to reach. It’s a wonderful resource and I absolutely encourage anyone with relationship questions to submit them to me at curvemag.com!
What are three things you see lesbians/bi women doing to sabotage themselves from meeting a suitable partner?
One very common theme that I find is that so many women are all waiting for someone else to approach them! It’s more clear-cut in heterosexual scenes where it’s generally the male’s role to approach the female. In the gay and lesbian community these roles are often not as defined. Even my clients who consider themselves higher on the butch spectrum often tell me they were waiting for interested women to approach them. I say, get out there! Go talk to her! Nothing is going to happen if everyone is waiting around for the other person to make the first move.
Another issue I deal with frequently is women with unrealistic dating expectations. Women often come to me with a laundry list of must-haves that simply are not attainable. I don’t have a database full of Angelina Jolie look-alikes who are fluent in five languages, and are developing a cure for cancer. Something’s got to give. And like I have said before, do some self-reflection. The better you take care of yourself and the more you have to offer, the more likely someone of similar caliber will be interested in you.
Finally, I have repeatedly seen women jump into relationships way too quickly. Love is not a race and there is no finish line. Do not allow yourself to become consumed with the relationship and lose sight of who you are. Rushing into a monogamous relationship too early will almost certainly guarantee its quick demise. The honeymoon period should be cherished, not rushed through. In a six month relationship do not make big decisions like moving in, relocating, having children, changing jobs, etc. that should be saved for a mature relationship. It’s important to learn how to communicate and work through smaller conflicts as they arise. This will build a strong foundation and mutual respect so that when you face bigger, more serious issues, you will have the tools to successfully navigate these challenges.
Tell us more about the services you offer and how someone can get in touch with you.
I also offer relationship coaching. I conduct these sessions in person as well as via Skype. Technology has really opened up new avenues of connecting; I have clients as far away as the Middle East! I really encourage anyone seeking a boutique matchmaking service or dating/relationship coaching to visit my website, littlegaybook.com and check it out. And I’m also available by email at drfrankie@littlegaybook.com.
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